overflow

Recent blessings, small and deep:

Music of Español, batted between women choosing baby clothing. Language-melody, launched in sequence, unfurled like little banners.

Skin scent when a loved one, lotion-tinted, gently day-heated, opened her arms.

Warm, dark wine’s presence inside smooth gold cup, inviting a small swallow.

The fact that, despite myself, my life includes a well, a wandering, a search.

Seeing how often I’m befluxed by living.

Words of textured resonance meeting my soul: “Christ did not die in order to make bad men good — he died in order to make dead men live.” (Thanks, Fr. Stephen Freeman.)

Half-dreamed, before my alarm announced the morning: “Hold people close; a shade of closer.”

Posted in belief, life, reflection | 2 Comments

food: the (un)process

A couple of friends who’ve been on my bloggy list from way back are taking a challenge this month.

Marianne and Cherie each signed on to try making it through October eating, more or less, only whole foods. This challenge came from Andrew Wilder at Eating Rules.

I am nearly sated just browsing their pictures:

Of course, there are chicken feet…

But you gotta love these forays into the real thing. Food for thought, in bite-size pieces.

Posted in friends, life, yum | 2 Comments

trying this

You may have tried to reach this blog page and found yourself on the “my other blog” page. Sorry for any confusion.

For a while I’ve been thinking about this change. At first I thought I would best like to have a home page, welcoming folks in with a wonderful quote or two which would rotate and provide variety. But, um, I didn’t keep that up so well.

The reality is, I’m blogging here. I’m not a persona with a website. It’s fun to have pages listing examples of my published writing, but basically my “home” work is to update semi-regularly. I plan to keep doing so. I think this arrangement reflects that better.

Thanks for your patience with me in many ways! You’re nice readers, you.

Posted in blogging | 2 Comments

scents of quiet

Scooping blue tortilla chips into my sandwich bag, I fumbled a couple. As they fractured near my shoe, I admitted to myself some apprehension. Soon my friend Kathy would arrive, and I would climb into her pickup, and we would go hiking in lovely scenery, as we often have before (see here, here, and here).

I knew we’d have fun; I just didn’t know if our connection as friends would be the same.

All smiles, Kathy greeted me and drove us out to Finley Wildlife Preserve, between here and Corvallis. I was glad, when we made our first stop at a viewpoint, that I’d worn shorts. The day was livening. Scents of long grass and green shrubs mingled with dust from a machine out working.
She set up her scope. We were already zeroing in on the tricky conversation I had anticipated. Soon the birds were all but forgotten as we stood on the little nature deck sharing back and forth. A half hour or so later, I knew things were going to be okay.

It’s weird to now be going to different churches. But it’s not a real difference in our friendship. We’re still both as serious about God as ever, needing study and practice of life surrounding Him even more than we needed final droughts of summer in golden air.

“I don’t feel rejected by you,” Kathy told me. I nearly wept, having feared the opposite.

This past spring, Kathy earned her master’s degree in theological studies. I work as Director for a small nonprofit office. When we venture onto hiking trails, we are simply sisters of our season, relating on many levels. Munching snacky lunches, we assemble our stories. And sometimes, like the other day, weather and scenery bless us beyond expectation.


We get a little silly. Attempting poses, taking those paths less traveled upon which we might get lost in oaken forests.

More than once in the shadows, Kathy stopped me. Her look silenced us both. We needed to listen.

Ceasing movement causes, first, a feeling. Holding still is work. Then, wonderment blankets my legs (maybe they feel it quicker because they get real exercise). Sensation covers all my skin. It zings like noise of a billion tiny wings — those insects unseen in the gloaming.

Sailing in the blue patch above treetops, a buzzard makes no sound. Creaks and chirps signal frog cities. A squirrel scrabbles like acorns down a trunk. Stellar jays jar the world, happy to emphasize.

We walked. We could have forever. The memories and speculations never would have ended.

But our trail of friendship needs its counterpart; it must take us into faith-struggle, into family-bearing, over new potential barriers and back together when we may.

Posted in friends, life, outdoors | 2 Comments

attack cat and snookums

I suppose I should import a boxer photo for this post, or maybe upload pictures of my abrased ankle, but, either way, they wouldn’t quite capture my two stories, so I’ll just launch into them.

1.

There were two boxers in our back yard. Not the type you see on TV in a ring wearing gloves, yelling, “Adrianne!” No. These were dogs.

At first, though, I thought I saw a deer. My son and I watched a video documentary in the living room last Wednesday or Thursday afternoon. Interruption happened with a yowl from our cat, Westley, causing us to look at the back deck, where at first glimpse it seemed Westley had repelled a small deer, a fawn sans spots. Only, it was too small. In fact it was a puppyish boxer, yelping and scared. Closer inspection of the yard showed a full-grown male boxer patrolling frantically. And the huge neighbor dogs — invisible due to their places across wooden fences — were up in arms (of course, they don’t have arms; they do bellow with great hugeness, however, and I’m always glad they can’t leap their respective enclosures). The boxers had somehow managed to pierce our fenced border. I didn’t know what might happen next.

After repeated, indecisive openings/closings/openings of our sliding glass door I inhaled and stepped onto the deck. Grownup boxer had started marking around the yard, near the tomatoes, the grape plant, etc. I recalled my training days with our mostly Miniature Pinscher and said, gruffly, “NNno!”

You have to take initiative, act the alpha part, I remembered.

Mr. Boxer paused.

“Go home!” I commanded.

Mr. Boxer’s look seemed to say, “Whaddayamean?”

I moved to the back corner, where two of the neighbors’ fences almost meet. There is a section of unfinished cyclone covering the gap, and I supposed the dogs had dug in the soft dirt beneath it, though there wasn’t a definite trough. No question about it when the little boxer (female, maybe) came and perched on its haunches looking sorrowfully as if to say, “Please, may I go home now?”

Uh, oh, here came Mr. Boxer. I had wished to avoid cornering him or acting as though I threatened his young friend. He approached between us, not threateningly, I thought. But I sure didn’t try to pet him.

“You must go home!” I said, pointing. I repeated my Darth Vader imitation several more times.

Mr. Boxer started digging under that covered gap.

My tone changed to encouragement. “Good dog! Keep going, you can do it!” The little boxer trembled and watched. Mr. Boxer got stuck halfway, but persevered, and finally was in his own yard.

“Yay! Now, little one, go on.”

The little one looked dubious. I tried to lift the cyclone patch. It isn’t very flexible, and its metal points must jab awfully on one’s back when one is trying to wriggle beneath it, which is why the little boxer hesitated, but at last the little dog worked and I lifted fencing and pushed rear, and the little boxer was through. Mr. Boxer greeted the youngster with a smile, I think.

Westley the cat had remained all this while on the deck, his fur fluffed and his gaze wary. You could just see him daring Mr. Boxer to approach. “Bring it,” he seemed to say. When all was calm again, he remained on guard (though in more languid pose) the rest of the afternoon.

2.

Saturday evening I donned my bicycle helmet and followed Tim along the bike path. My first two-wheeled ride in longer than I admitted. All summer I’ve been saying I’ll get out and about, and still I hadn’t done it. Really had been a while, because there was a new little bridge and several nice benches along the path that hadn’t been there last time I was.

Evening heat made the breeze merely cajole sweaty skin. There was open blacktop ahead, and a cushy bike seat beneath. It was great.

Then Tim hesitated. He wasn’t sure which way to turn off the path to get to the church for Vigil. I was behind him. He decided one way, came back, and when he next turned toward a sidewalk, I turned, not thinking about the small patch of gravel we crossed until, whatdoyouknow, my bike and I had tipped over.

Tim continued on. “Hey!” I called. Bleh. Dusty, dusty. My husband at last looked back. “I think it’s this way,” he said.

“I fell down!”

There were parents and kids at a play structure, and I was sure they were being entertained.

I don’t recall if Tim said anything more, but he waited for me to catch up. Then he rode on, and I followed, calling, “Yeah, just bleeding back here, don’t worry.”

My ankle wound was the size of a BB. Still, Tim’s back riding away was small comfort.

Later, after I led the way home in moonlight in the cooler breeze of a world lit by river and riders’ small headlights, I expressed to Tim my main problem at the accident scene.

“You’re very competent at times like that,” I said, “but your bedside manner is terrible.” I explained that the script for next time we go riding and I overturn calls for him to drop his bike, gasp, shout, “Snookums!” and rush to my side, inquiring demonstratively if I will be okay. Then I can say I’m fine and go on with dignity.

3.

I’m not sure there’s any connection between these recent stories. I am reminded there can be good reason our big old cat reacts bravely to certain stimuli. (I’ve no clue if a burglar would receive his full ire, but Westley might spit at him, at least, before stalking over to the couch to watch him nab things.)

I also appreciate my competent husband, who will always keep cool in a crisis, and who will never call me Snookums, and that is really fine, but he will smile when I dust myself off and explain things, and he’s the one in the moonlight who follows me home.

Posted in better to laugh, life | 2 Comments

over summer

In late June in Colorado, landscape raised itself, a snowy rim against city, the cusp of a rock-realm carelessly straining space.

In early July at the local amphitheater, a curly-haired symphony conductor flourished in his sheer joy. The orchestra responded, each person and instrument a striking synergy. There were two vocalists. One, a diminutive man like a character in that TV show we like, lifted the music, held it aloft, cradled and lowered its tones. His and the woman singer’s formal attire weren’t out of place, in the near-rain in podunk Oregon. Their absolute skill commanded refinement.

In August along the highway as I drove to work, Queen Anne’s Lace beneath the blue-gold sky held fine white faces. Whether or not a face like mine ever passed, they would continue their elegant struggle against dirt and the billows of wind.

September weeks allow burnished lawns and crumbled corn husks to raise a scent ripe for smoky horizons. I lift a rag, dripping, wring its chill as small ripples chant, and swipe the dusty roof of an icon.

Time’s carriage is a mosaic of graces, each in its own place, unashamed.

Posted in life, reflection | 3 Comments

six months to insanity

Not for nothing did I change my blog’s subtitle several months ago. What a new road my life’s been on since February.

When this year started, I considered myself a Radical Biblicist. Now things are different. Not entirely; the journey has been leading this direction, as I now see it, all along.

Here’s how I view things today: during my lifetime I have dealt with belief in God, via different denominations and non-denominations, plus studies regarding cults and Christianity, and also (perhaps most profoundly from years ago) experiences of my own choosing that showed up plainly my rebellion and God’s mercy. These have led me to the “pre-denomination.”

I think I have come home.

If that sounds dramatic, I’m sorry. I know reality is a place where everybody lives their story, each one equally significant. Because of that One who created, there’s a reason we’re all here. There is much to see, from multiple angles. Such wonder and beauty. Fragile steps along solid paths to true understanding. If it’s insane to believe such things, well, I’m guilty.

I must admit I have been nervous. You don’t just wake up one morning, “hear” God telling you something, and expect your very rational (though loving) friends to consider you still right in the head. This overthinking, undereducated woman fears being considered an idiot. Some days, though, that fear comes to matter much less.

Six months ago I got the message I needed to seriously consider Orthodoxy. It had to do with Tim, but the thought came to me in the context of my problem with pride. With feeling superior. I had gone to sleep, you could say, in the room within myself that has a sign on the door proclaiming, “God is the one in charge.” I didn’t think it mattered if I nodded off in there.

Gently, yet firmly, I got shaken awake. Have you noticed this happens to biblical characters? In one story, ten virgins await a bridegroom. They all doze off, because the waiting is long, but then, suddenly, the bridegroom appears and those who are still willing (well-oiled) hurry with him into the wedding feast. In another scene, three apostles watch, at their master’s request, while he goes farther forward to pray in deep suffering. The master understands the men, even when their weakness lets him down. He doesn’t point a condemning finger.

The message I received nudged me strongly, in part, because its delivery was familiar. This sort of thing has happened to me before. Only maybe four other times has something like this happened that spoke to every instinct, capturing my full attention.

I’ve taken seriously each of these message moments, in part, because there were two other aspects to each of them that seemed significant. Every one has come as a shock to me. Totally not where I thought things were headed. Yet, like the cool surprise at the climax of a great story, I have seen looking back where the unexpected element came from. There was foreshadowing.

The other aspect was my mistrust of myself each time. While feeling a sense of comfort amid the off-kilterness, I didn’t expect that I was sensing aright. Only time would tell, each time. I waited in wonder to see the future’s development. In other words, while I came to a conclusion based on a message I firmly thought God had given, I tried not to presume upon reality or close the door on the possibility I heard wrong.

Each of the previous times, the message I was given has remained valid to this day; in fact, each one only appears more plausible and right, many years later.

This sort of thing, however, never happened before regarding which church I should go to. And, yes, you remembered right, I was merely told to seriously consider Orthodoxy.

Only fleetingly, though, did I muse that perhaps this meant I was to infiltrate — you know, the ultra-Protestant in disguise, seeking to free those poor slaves to religious ritual. Well, no. The way our introduction to Orthodoxy came about, I could see from the first there was a Gospel reality central to the foreign things these people were doing. I went and watched them. At first I assumed they said things and made motions with an attitude of needing to top other Christian expressions, to make themselves feel good as uber-churchgoers. I thought perhaps I would straighten them out on a few points. But mainly I knew I’ve never been sophisticated. I couldn’t worm my way into something with ulterior motives, and it would be a sorry show if I tried. Besides, I don’t think that’s the sort of reason God would give me such a message if he had.

I was there to engage, as honestly as I could. Scariest sort of situation for me, when I am reluctant. Yet, it was the only way I would ever have pushed against those Orthodox words and actions I considered showy to find they are founded on something of rational meaning. Mysterious, rational meaning, true, at least for a Western mind to grapple with. But my little brain isn’t the first and won’t be the last to do so.

This past week I read the blog of a friend from the Radical Biblicist community. Satellite Saint contains attempts he’s making to seriously consider Orthodoxy. As far as I know, if he’s received divine nudges to do this, they were gradual or subtle, and he has mostly studied the concepts (though he did visit our church one day and posted about it here). He makes no claim to be committing to Orthodoxy, and I take him seriously there. This may be a passing study for him, but whatever the case, I appreciate greatly his articulation of very sane issues. I wish him the best, as I do all my friends, on the journeys ahead, in the messages to be engaged with.

Posted in life | 4 Comments

engineer’s shadow in a dress

With my husband on a Sunday afternoon, still in church clothes, I ride up to Solar Heights, where there’s a television translator.

I say, “Wish I had my camera.”

He says, “You can use my phone.”

I get directions on how to use it. Then I capture him unloading odds and ends of foliage he has removed from someone’s yard (not a particularly electronic engineer thing to do, but he helps people and gets firewood sometimes in return).

I wait for him to finish. It’s warm out, up here. There is a hunk of butte (Spencer’s) near enough to almost touch, and I realize I haven’t climbed it yet this year. Did I last summer? Months run together.

I play around a little, capturing an image of myself, but not.
The me that trails the husband and the months and these ripening times.

Posted in life, random stuff | Leave a comment

pointers

Did you know some spiders love lavender bushes? They learn to hide deep within the slender stems. Their eight crafty eyes scan for a fuzzy abdomen, a whzzz of wings. They creep nearer, and then…

I didn’t have a clue about such scenarios, until I was standing in the sun a couple weeks ago, on one of those first warm days that finally appeared in Western Oregon. The honey bees seemed as happy as I, and we were all drawn to the color and scent bushing over the white brick walkway (last summer Tim bought larger bricks for a good deal somewhere and improved the walk). The afternoon purred along, until I was shaken from my reverie by a change of movement in the lavender.

Three bees had morphed their cadence from the usual land here, stick face in, zip over here, check next flower. Now they were at arrowy attention, in close proximity, pulsing a message with their bodies. From three angles they strove toward something, as if pointing.

The thing was a bee, but not. It was stuck on a stalk where all had gone wrong. I jumped back as the well-known alarm in my middle went off. Spiderish movements! Black and hairy! Eww! I was quieter than the bees, since they kept buzzing, but my anxiety matched theirs. The bee was captive; the spider (likely a jumping variety) jittered and jagged, securing his grip.

The free bees must have smelled the captive’s pheromones. Their language contains “Help me!” better and more eerie in silence than any Vincent Price creepshow. But the scent-call must have ended quickly. Sure as the spider knew his business, the struggling bee quieted, and its hivemates returned to more fluid toil at the lavender blossoms.

Since then, in my mind, I keep returning to this gruesome vignette. Of course the truth of its morality is a matter of perspective. For the spider it was all in a day’s hunt. And spiders, though my phobia screams differently, have the right to dine, even to prefer honey.

The workings of nature and my nature buzz around me. I am human. To me, that fact shouts responsibility. I’d have saved the poor bee if I could’ve. That’s me, today in my backyard, where life has plunked me.

Also, though, sad as it is, if I had been someone educated toward inventing things to help make the world run more efficiently (or whatever scenarios have driven the people who’ve changed our food), I could have invented some of the biochemical stuff Monsanto employs — the stuff that extinguishes millions of bees because the hybrid blossoms it produces don’t look right to the critters and they miss their chance to dine. I would have acted in terms of my perspective.

Yet there’s always the hopeful chance I’d have happened upon the afternoon when, sunshine-starved, I’d have wandered out to my lavender bush. There, perhaps wrestling with deeper morality, I’d have noticed three bees when they pointed.

Posted in disturbing, interesting, life, more to this than meets the eye | 3 Comments

from the third story

A young man named Eutychus, sitting at the window, sank into a deep sleep as Paul talked still longer. And being overcome by sleep, he fell down from the third story and was taken up dead.
~Acts 20:9~

People come together around stories about redemption. There’s something at our core that responds to one well-told, and thus we remain eager for more of them. Very soon my friend Tim Elhajj’s memoir, Dopefiend: A Father’s Journey from Addiction to Redemption, begins its (hopefully very successful) journey in the publishing marketplace. I’m so happy for him. It’s a good one.

I’m glad the world still has plenty of room for second chances given and accepted. People worry, and I don’t blame them, that Christianity is no longer a place (or maybe has never been) where an individual can start over on the trail toward being a real person. There is a sense in 21st Century America that folks who believe the Bible and who believe in God also believe strictly in the condemnation of those who don’t. Or who don’t see things their way. Though I think burning at the stake’s by far not the whole story of the faithful in Christ, it has sadly been one of their associated features.

As someone who desperately needed redemption a time or two, I have lived in communities of Christian faithful who’ve been remarkably accommodating of my questions and directional swerviges. In fact, until recently I had never experienced the sensation of a believer I respect warning me that I might be rejecting the Messiah by my change of practice. Having sensed this warning recently, I now live in a new space.

I need to emphasize that I didn’t go to the believer(s) to whom I’m referring asking for their blessing regarding the new venture of faith I am undertaking. It wasn’t that they responded with a curse to someone asking for help. I went to them in a context of sharing where I’m at and of requesting their opinion(s), which I highly respect and will take into serious consideration. I didn’t ask for our meeting(s) feeling especially needy or vulnerable. In fact, mostly for about six months I’ve been in shock at my shift from a Protestant to an Eastern Orthodox view. And I recognize the possibility that I am to some degree rebelling against real and true truth. Whether or not my rebellion is plausibly true in this case is, I guess, the deeper question.

I hope I am paying attention. I must trust that God will forgive the wrong step, the mistake, if it’s there and will continue to guide, teach, and redeem me, as I have believed he has been doing all my life. The story of my days looks somewhat amazing at this stage of existence half a century long. Not that it’s anything in comparison to others’ stories. But it gives me a picture of the perseverance of God in love, in kindness. My part is to keep being interested in whatever God is teaching me, by whatever means he is using. I hope I am doing this deed, this work of the heart that I long to do.

I pray I am staying wide awake. Yet if I’m not, if I go to sleep and fall out the window, at least my error will be accomplished in the room of my heart that wants like nothing else to listen to, taste, see, smell, and experience the greatest news, the best story.

Posted in life, religion or faith or church | 4 Comments